1) He lives vicariously through himself.
2) He once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feels.
3) His beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man’s entire body.
4) When it is raining, it is because he is thinking of something sad.
5) His shirts never wrinkle.
6) He is left-handed and right-handed.
7) If he were to mail a letter without postage, it would still get there.
8) The police often question him just because they find him interesting.
9) His blood smells like cologne.
10) On every continent in the world, there is a sandwich named after him. His hands feel like rich brown suede.
11) Cuba imports cigars from him. Mosquitos refuse to bite him purely out of respect. In museums, he is allowed to touch the art.
12) His business card simply says “I’ll call you.”
13) He has won the lifetime achievement award, twice.
14) If he were to punch you in the face, you would have to fight off the urge to thank him.
15) He bowls overhand.
16) He is fluent in all languages, including three that he only speaks.
17) He tips an astonishing 100%.
18) Once while sailing around the world, he discovered a short cut.
19) Panhandlers give him money.
20) He divorced his wife because he caught her littering.
21) His passport requires no photograph.
22) When he drives a new car off the lot, it increases in value.